Little Chapter b: On the way

Everything has a story and this is mine..

Fascination, dreams, fantasy, love, friendship, betrayal, drama, action.. I had it all..

I remember it now and I laugh out loud.. those times were so different.. I was so different..

When I say, my life was full.. it was overflowing with everything that could or couldn’t happen..

There were times, of deep connections, of strong friendships, that I couldn’t ask for more..

There were times of heart breaks and failures, that you just thought that things just couldn’t get worse..

There were times of abundant joy and laughter, that at that moment you just couldn’t think of anything else..

Those times, our emotion cups were full.. full with happiness, full with sadness, filled with anger, filled with hurt.. we measured and felt everything in extremes.. it was either on this side or all on the other side.. though confused yet we know what we were feeling.. our emotions might be full but not mixed up..

And as it goes, those moments, those experiences have taught us, have given us and also have taken from us..

Have given us, the courage to keep going because now you know that things are not permanent, they change and they move on if you do..

Have taken from us the locks that we have put on our brains, to open our heart to all new possibilities..

That age, that moment, those memories, those dreams, those fantasies are never ending.. let them still be on the way..

Little Chapter a: Figuring Out

For a moment.. for a fraction.. for this blog.. I would like to take a step back.. actually back to my first steps..

In simple words, to figure out I, I need to understand how I am who I am..

There is a need to understand a lot of things,they might be quite old, very far off.. but to figure out the present, I need to start somewhere that takes me back to my own beginning of life..

When I think about my beginnings of life, it was just as normal as it could be yet so weird and different in its own way..

I had everything, a whole world filled with people, with laughter, with love, with joy, but, yes, there were many moments, filled with anxiety, confusion, sadness and yeah, failures. There were times when I was adored and yet times, when there was ignorance. Moments when I was never alone yet moments when I felt hustled.

My subconscious self had two choices to help me better understand what I was going through.. one, to just get in a shell and let things happen of their own will with no control from me.. two, to seek attention and grab and demand what I really wanted and not let go..

Consciously or subconsciously, I made the second choice.. loud and attention grabber, stubborn and disconcerting, bold and adamant.. that was me..

That’s what my first few steps of life molded me as.. yes, my genes played a strong part in making me but yes, there also were the environment and the situation that played a big role too..

This is yet just the beginning.. I want to see what is it going to turn me into.. what more am I going to understand and take from my own life..

This is just a small start to a big journey…

I, Me and Myself

Yeah, this is an age old phenomena.. Heard many times, discussed about it many times, fought for this ‘me’ many many times and yet again and again we have been brought back to the same thing over and over.

There has always been two sides of this I, Me and Myself..

At one side, there is a need to understand myself as an individual. Understand my own needs, my wishes, my wants, my expectations.. A need to feel myself as a whole. A need to take a deep look within myself and see who I am. Understand me as myself and not what others tell me who I am.. to just stop, to just pause this ever growing world for just one moment and search for the higher soul within me.. to work on finding me, understanding myself and putting I before YOU.

But, on the other side, there is a different need.. a need to understand that others’ needs and wishes are different from my own.. a need to acknowledge others’ view points and choices though they may not match mine.. a need to put others before me.. a need to understand the worth and value of others and not dominate them..

Like everything in the world, there are always two sides.. at the end, it all depends on what choices we make..

But just remember that any choice or any decision you make just doesn’t affect you but also others around you are affected by those choices and those decisions.

But that also doesn’t mean that you have to live your life according to other’s wishes and demands.. it is important to be selfish too..

Yes, I want to live for I, Me and Myself, I want to give time and effort in understanding myself and making me a better person and also when time comes, making my own decisions.

And yes, at the same time, I want to be able to give when time comes and make decisions selflessly but also remember at the end to make a compromise and not a sacrifice.

New Beginnings

A question. Old but still new.
A question lingers in my heart.. finding the answers.. the answers that lead me to the known but the unknown.
What am I doing here? What am I supposed to do? Where am I headed?

And you know what,these questions are my beginning.. my new beginning.
And finding the answers to these questions is going to be my story..

I really have no idea where the search for these answers will lead me nor have a clue what surprises are in store for me, but, yes, I do know one thing that I am not going to look back. I have made this beginning and now I cannot rest until I have found the pieces of the puzzle that lead me to my end.

I know that, on the way, I might trip, I might feel defeated, I might not want to go ahead anymore, I might be stuck at many points, I might not be able to get up, I might not have the courage or the strength left to keep moving, or I might just feel like giving up.. This might happen, this will happen.

During that time, there is one thing that I don’t want to forget.. this one thing that’s going to keep pushing me.. one thing that will just not let me give up.. one thing that will keep reminding me that why I started this and why I need to just keep moving now..

And that one thing is just as simple as magic.. this belief that things will get better.. the belief that I can do this after all.. the simple belief of magic in me..

So, lets begin our true New Beginnings…

Whose story is it?

My story. Whenever WordPress asks me to share my own story over here. I wonder, really and truly wonder what exactly is my story after all..

Am I am big shot actress who can have and do everything, desire big things and also achieve them at the end and get away with some drama sometime .

Or am I a budding writer with great skills and great talent to put forward her pain and joy in a pain that it reaches its readers straight into their heart..

Or am I a really successful business woman, who has people working for him, who dreams and whose goals are met by everyone around him after all..

No, after all I am nothing at all..

I have goals that only I have to work on meeting them..

I have dreams that only I dream and no one else can ever be a part of it..

I have talent but talent that is yet not touched nor shown in such a way that is yet commendable..

I am just a person who is right now sitting with her cell phone, hoping for things to work her own way, hoping that some star will suddenly land in her lap out of the blue, who is just hoping, hoping with no guarantee after all…

I ask I wonder and I cry for all that has been done, for all the effort that has been put, for all the agony that has been beared., Do I after all expect any result or no

Where am I?

Wondering what really is happening?

Are we happy or are we just passing through each day like just cutting down days on calendar?

Maybe just running either from here or from there. Just can’t stand still. Just can’t breathe. Just can’t understand where’s my space or where am I supposed to be..

Is it always going to be like this or is there something that can be done about this?

Even when we reach our destination, why does it feel like this is not really we were expecting, this is not really what we were waiting for? After all the wait was all worthless. Was it?

It’s like a burden or maybe an incomplete satisfaction. A feeling that has been following me since every day, that maybe after all I really don’t belong here afterall..

Then where do I belong is the question..

Just imagine, you running the race, waiting to reach the goal, because you know that that is where you are going to find your happiness and your peace. But what if once you reach there, there’s nothing at all. Was after all just living in a blur..

Then the question still stands what shall we do.. what are we supposed to do after all..

Let’s just think.

Maybe number one, just stay put, I’m already tired.

Or number two, keep running, maybe there’s something out there that I haven’t reached yet.

Or number three, destroy everything, break the wall, perish what’s blocking me. Maybe after all everything is still a blur. And I need to make things clearer and destruction is the only way.

Please Time

I always asked for time to wait.. I always asked for time to stand.. I always asked for time to get ready and be prepared.. I always kept asking for more and more time..
But now when I’m ready, it seems that time is taking its own sweet precious seconds to get me what I want, when I’m so ready, when I’m all set, when I wish for all my opportunities to turn into success.. why is it then time is humouring me and slapping my face again and again, making me feel its giving me back what I gave it.
It comes, placing all its delicacies in front of my hungry face, but just when I’m about to eat it, it takes all away in that one whip of air, leaving with just its sweet savoury smell still in the air..
Why is time seeming to haunt me.. when it knows I don’t have much time left in my hand, when it knows I just have about a handful to prove myself what I’m made of..
Time, I ask you, pray you.. stop laughing at me, stop playing with me, stop humouring at me at my stake,.. I have had enough, I can’t take it anymore, I’m anxious, and I’m getting impatient.. stop hurting me before I give up all over again, and that time it will be difficult, it will be almost like I am no more, almost like I never really existed..
Time, I plead you again.. time give me what I seek for, give me what i ask for.. I honour you, wish you’d do the same..

Where am I?

Where am I.. where I wish to be.. there are things that how much ever I try to find an answer to, I just am not able to fetch what I am looking for.. I am burning cold from inside .. it feels like a hammer is hitting me everyday, pleading me to get on track of things but when I do pick up my mind and sit on it, nothing seems to come out of it..
I question, I rethink, I reason, I blame , and I just stand still.. figuring out every note, every clue that I may be blinding myself to.. but no matter how many glasses I put on, no matter how many times I look and I look, there just seems to be nothing, or really I am not able to look closely enough..
I pull my hair, I scratch my eyes trying to remove the haze thats blinding me from within.. but there is nothing there, not any screen, not a whisper of dust, nothing at all..
I am desperate now, have never been so desperate.. have very little time left in my hands.. the time seems to be slipping away like sand in my fist.. this is the deadline I have given to me, the last chance that I have given to me.. my last chance to do what I really have to rather than want to..
My efforts are just not justified enough, my time is not put in well, my paths are not good enough, what I have is just passion which I just cannot give up no matter how hard I try.. this is what I’m trying to hold on to.. hope it will be enough to reach where I aspire to..

Start….

Start…
What’s a start.. it is the start of the start or the end of the end.. Or is it where everything begins and sets the path for all the rest, or is it the completion of something that has been happening since a long time and now it has finally come to an end, so there could be a start of something new..
What is it, or actually, what is it for me?
And how am I supposed to understand what is it, is it something that is going to lay down the path for everything thats waiting for me ahead.. or is it something that will begun once I have laid down the path and the structure to the road that I have to take or I will take..
Where am I supposed to start this start, how am I supposed to start this start.. Im stuck, I feel like Im just stuck at this start before the start, it feels like something is blocking this start, it feels like something is hindering me from taking that first step of the start..
There’s so much to understand, so much to know, but how can I when I don’t even know where to start…
Where to begin..
But, what if that start is not in my hand, what if that start is in someone else’s hand, what if my start is someone else’s start too… what then.. then where am I, what should I do.. Is it fair to let my start, my precious start be handed over loose to someone else so that they can use it as they want, mould it as they want.. Is it right?
What then…. maybe that is where I am blocked, maybe that is where I am blocking myself.. maybe that start is never going to come to me.. no, I need to take it in my own secure hands, take it and seal it there, let it be nurtured, cared, matured and when the time is ripe, it will bloom, from the right hands.. the start will come when I become worth of it…

Light… 

There is a light. I can see it like a beam, like a ray.  It’s far, I know it’s far.. but I also know, I have to reach it somehow.  I need to touch the light, its glowing, glowing so bright that everything is dark beyond it, this light holds everything that I wish for, this light holds hope, this light holds my goal, this light holds my path, this light holds my heart, and above all my happiness.  

I don’t know how far it goes, but I do know that it is waiting for me, waiting for me to come and seek it, it is not outside. It is within me, I just need something, I don’t know what to pull it towards me. 

I feel hope.. I see a wish.. I see my light.. and I pray for my happiness now, with everything that I have.. 

I see it getting brighter and brighter and I know I’m not far away now. It’s just a little away, just a little, and I’m going to reach it soon.. not so soon.. but soon enough..

I have to reach it soon, I have no other choice. It won’t be long before everything turns dark, everything turns hollow, everything turns black, and vanishes forever. 

I don’t have much time.  I need to hurry.  This is my last ray of hope.. 

I cannot let it go.. not now.. not ever..