Time.. I never thought the time could ever move so slow.. never knew that I could feel the time stop.. come to a complete standstill.. neber felt that time could take my seconds and turn them into hours and hours..
Time is so brutal sometimes.. only when you wish everything to happen as you want, time suddenly just stretches and elongates teasing you and testing you every rare second.. time seems cruel to me now, cruel in every way in every breath I take.. time seems to mock me and I stand there, just taking it all in quietly with nothing left but just to surrender to it..
Time, for once, I request turn the tide, turn them to where I wish to go.. turn them to my goal, to my desires.. time give me all I want.. I am desperate, I am dead.. take me in before I get lost again…
Impatience.. so much of it.. little and more.. in high and low.. feeling stronger and stronger with every passing second.. time is running is too soon too fast yet it seems I’m still there waiting and expecting..
I wish to run from here.. but then where could I go off to when I know impatience is what I carry in my heart where I stay and where I move.. there is no running away from this unless I take my heart out and put it away but I couldn’t do that.. then I see just one way.. hopeless yet the only one.. have patience..
But patience is running out.. it seemed to have lived it’s course.. so now, what now.. I need something concrete, I need something to hold on to, I need the exact time, I need to know till when am I supposed to wait and wait.. not knowing..
I know what I feel and yet I have no control over it.. impatience is getting to me in this moment and I no longer know how much longer can I hold on.. and at the end, how many pieces I would break into.. infinite and unreachable..
I am feeling bad and stuck and let down and in so many ways, it seems my fault. My expectations came falling down for me. But it hurts.
Expectations are build because of reasons, and because of a hope. It is not something that we have built all on our own. So when it breaks, is it all my own or someone is a part of it too whether knowingly or unknowingly. I have no answer to that.
I just know that I am hurt and I am broken, and I don’t know now where to go…
Just like a throw ball, throw it harder, it will come back to you with that much speed and power, and throw it with a slow hand, and it comes back to u with a dull thud..
Life is just the same.. everything seems like a blur motion one second, things just zooms past you and then, the next second seems like things are just slipping from your fingers in slow motion..
You won’t be able to hold on nor to the speed, nor when things are just losing your way..
You will be just standing there watching it pass one by one..
Be still while you can and when you can’t, there anyways was nothing in your hands…
Things are turnings down.. my heart is feeling down.. my whole life seems to have come to a huge stop… I am stuck, I am literally so stuck this time that I feel failed, I see no hope.
This life that I’m living doesn’t feel worthwhile anymore.. I have nothing to give, nothing to gain.. nothing left to even think about… I have always tried to pull myself back from all these cycles of karma, never wanting to take a dip into it no matter what life throws at me, I still wanted to carry some hope in my heart, in my mind.. I feel like a failure.. this is the not the life I anticipated, this is not something that I wanted to live.. yet here I am, living it, pitying myself, the last thing that I ever wished to do..
They say, when life gives you hell, give it back but what to give when you have nothing at all but loss and failure..
I need a pick me up.. but I don’t expect anything to come my way.
Lost in failure..lost in emotions..lost in everything after all..
Okay. I don’t know what but something seems to be shifting within me..
I don’t know what things seem to be different..
I don’t know what but I feel something has changed..
I don’t know yet how welcoming this change is gonna be..
But somewhere somehow I seem to be enjoying it..
It might not be doing anyone good, might not even for me but the glimpse that I had is making me stronger..
It might not come in good use now or later but the things that are seeming to happen within me are showing me a different light, a new one or maybe an old one.. all I know this is warming up..
At the end, this is nothing but my own ego and anger that I seem to have lost over time… Its coming back to me.. I just caught a glimpse yesterday.. and I’m craving for it more and more.. because somehow this is showing me light on the dark path that I have been living on since a long time…
I am in anguish.. there is pain, there is fear, there is worry.. when you see from the outside, nothing can be seen, nothing can be felt, but if you would take just a look within.. there is a burning fire that is turning all positivity, all hope to ashes..
I don’t wanna feel this. I keep telling me to get away, to run, to inturn burn all these thoughts and despair, but it keeps on coming.. this fear keeps on burning deep and bright..
I want certainty, a firm statement that everything is infact good and safe and secure but who has been able to give that, who has ever been able to tell that surely.. no one can and no one could..
I fear this fear is soon going to be engulf me in its flames, there will be nothing left..it will be either me or all will be lost..
Everyday seems like a long climb, upending choices and dreams and decisions.
I start climbing and feeling that I have reached somewhere, at least the middle point and there I am pulled back yet again with different opinions, philosophies, varied ideas and what more.
Every time that something seems easy, seems reachable, I feel a block, a wall, obstructing me yet again. I feel miserable. I feel shadowed. I feel caught up in this whole mess again and again.
I have tried and tried but have never reached the end point, never been able to climb further than those few times. I have not kissed success nor touched failure, just floating in the middle, unmoving.
I am tired now. I am done. Yet I can’t seem to stop. Can’t seem to let go.
I wanna reach the end, no matter what it takes.
But the question is HOW?
Oh god! Its real high time that I take this step. It kind of feels that I’m losing everything, that I’m just wallowing in stupid thoughts, not ready to do anything about it.. Some expect me to give a kick to my career now or it would be never, some expect me to just sit down and lay low yet expecting to find different distractions at the same time, while some are expecting nothing at all. I don’t know what’s worst among the three but yeah, that’s it man.. its time to listen to my own bloody thoughts which seem to be less now but I guess if I give it the needed importance, I’m sure it’s going to give me back a little too..
So here I am.. getting back.. listening to my thoughts, making them felt and letting me know..
Here I am… feeling rejuvenated and boosted..
No idea what new thoughts or moods or feelings or situations await me.. but today I am prepared and ready to make this start.. today is all I know..
Sometimes I wonder is it necessary to give up on your old things and habits and dreams just because you are going to start something new.. is it really necessary to end before you begin.. can’t there be new beginnings with old journeys too..
Life is all about moments…at least we can try to live each moment feeling rejuvenated and feeling new rather than always falling for a new start..
Give life this chance.. its going to give you a lot back in return..
I am scared.
I am scared of me. I am scared about the choices that I’m making everyday. I am scared of what I’m bringing into life every second. I am scared of what I am giving and how I am giving. I am scared of me but I am also scared of losing me.
Everytime some shift happens, I look within, asking myself, whether I am ready for this, I do what I’m meant to, do with all my strength and hope. And yet I am scared, scared because I don’t know how are things going to turn out, scared coz I don’t know whether I will be able to make it to the end. This unknown scares me.
I look within me, keep doing that, finding my own faults and shortcomings everytime I fail, everytime I let down, everytime I falter. I see nothing but my own weaknesses and failures. I see not what I have but what I can. I see not what I hold but what I could catch. I see not what I could be grateful for but what I could expect.
I, once, just once, take a look, not deep within but from far of what I am and what I have. More I look more I find. More I see more I observe. More I figure out more I appreciate. Appreciate what I possess, appreciate what I reflect, appreciate what I am as an individual, as a being.
Yes I am still scared but now I know I also do have things to be grateful for. I know now I may fail but I’m not a failure. I may fall but I am not a let down. And I am happy knowing just that.